Happy Birthday, To Me!

While perhaps not incredibly monumental for the rest of the world, today, for me, is monumental enough. Today, I celebrate my birthday. Can you believe that I am now 59 years old?! Where the heck did the past decade go? It seems like just a few months ago I was gearing up for my final year of being in my 40's. Now I'm gearing up for my final year in my 50's. Yikes!

A lot has happened over the past ten years. A LOT. At 49, I figured out a whole new direction for my life and then proceeded to go after it. That's what my 50's were all about … living that new life. (If wanting a re-cap on what I did in those past ten years, have a read through all my previous blogs.)

But today, at 59, on the verge of the next decade, I'm wanting, yet again, to figure out a new direction for my life. What do I want to do about income? What do I want to do about my book (which still is without a publisher)? What do I want to do about travel and feeding my soul? How do I balance all that I do want to do with parents who are aging and needing more care?

And then, added into that cocktail mixture of real-life realities, is the ongoing emotional battle of healing from trauma. Just when I thought I had a handle on the past, out of the blue, while chatting with a girlfriend on her couch last month, a whirlwind of insight blew my way, uprooting a specific perspective I had long held about a specific element of my former marriage. As I shared this perspective with my girlfriend, she lovingly (and in her usual direct and no-nonsense manner) told me outright that my perspective was wrong! She then kindly explained why I should re-examine everything about that perspective (and, I mean everything).

You know what? My girlfriend was right. I had been looking at that situation all wrong. For years. That afternoon, my world turned upside down. Again. Even a month or so later, I’m still reeling from the emotional impact and fallout, trying to settle everything in my mind all over again.

Some days I feel on the verge of an emotional meltdown, with tears just ready to stream down my face. At other times, all I can do is stare into space and try not to think about it. That’s why I planned, in advance last week, to dedicate not just my birth-day, but an additional day as well, to do for myself what I needed to do. A couple of days of self-care were just what I needed.

Yesterday, on Day #1, I drove down the highway to the next town where I gave into pampering and luxury. I had a mani-pedi, took myself out for lunch and then got my hair cut. Today, after a slow, relaxed morning I’m going for my first ever ‘hot stone massage’!

Next month, to top off this year's birthday celebrations, I’m checking myself into a log cabin in the Rockies for a few nights (supposedly as a self-directed writing retreat, but it might just end up being a self-imposed emotional retreat instead). However I use that time, I will be back in the Rockies, feeding my soul and breathing in the fresh mountain air that I love so much. The goal is to return home knowing exactly what I'm going to do to make 59 a cracker jack of a year!

Ten years ago I knew precisely what I wanted in my life (or, back in my life). My focus was clear and resolute. This time around, I'm a bit fuzzy as to what I want, much less how I'll go about it getting or achieving those particular goals. All I know is that whatever it takes, I'll figure out. 

Happy Birthday, to Me.








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